Smoking Fetish Smoking Women Pics and the Addicted Christian

My struggle as a Christian with smoking, the smoking fetish, and pornography.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Smoking women, smoking fetish, youtube smoking clips, cigarettes, and other search engine worthy keywords

Its been a while since I've posted. This summer I started smoking again. I wish I did not. I enjoyed it a lot for a while, almost a rush plus the nicotine buzz. Now I'm smoking every 3-5 hours or so and frankly enjoying it a lot less.

Still enjoying youtube, but still hiding that from my wife, as she doesn't understand or appreciate my smoking fetish addiction, and frankly I feel pretty rotten about youtube too. At least it is not porn! But as a commenter said below, it is still lust. Even though I rarely find it arousing I know that it is.

So in the "trapped by the smoking fetish" arena, I feel fairly bad, but at least it is not porn. Perhaps the Lord has an answer for me yet.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Smoking Fetish and YouTube

So an update:

First of all, I've found a place with tons of clips of ladies smoking that is free AND has NO nudity allowed! Super nice because I can go there and enjoy seeing women smoking without having to look at porn!

Second, it has now been 62 weeks since I smoked. Woo hoo! For a couple weeks in the last month I was really wanting to smoke again. I decided that if I started again I would NOT hide it this time! I'm an adult and it is legal in the USA, why do I act like a naugty teen. My little church group would just kind of have to deal with it.

But I shared this with my wife (my desire to smoke and not hide it). She was pretty negative about it even though in the past she has "enabled" my smoking and hiding. She began some agressive praying for me about this and the desire has gone away again! I still kind of want to smoke but I don't really have any urge or compulsion. So life is good!

Please share your thoughts and comments.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

I have a porn problem and need answers for porn addiction

I'm not doing well. I'm looking at porn often...every few days for a few minutes, enough to burn my heart and spirit. Yet I choose to do it.

My wife trusts me and doesn't know. But our relationship is suffering. My heart is harder and I have a hard time connecting with her. Yet she depends on me for being her close friend and lover.

If I use blocking software it seems to block non-porn sites, and I surf all the time so this is a big hassle.

I get free christian counseling but last time we all decided that until I really hate it there is no way for anyone to stop me.

I've read through the sites some folks suggested but I didn't really feel any one had the answer for me yet.

I don't have an accountability partner. I don't want to tell my friends about my problem, and someone who did not know me (enough for me to feel shame) would not be able to really hold me accountable. Plus ones who did might get me kicked out of my little christian leadership position.

I'm going to try this software called x3watch. It is supposed to send the links to someone weekly, that are questionable, that I visit. I'm going to start by sending the links to me only. If it looks good I may tell my wife I've "had a little problem" and need her to keep an eye on me, and have it send the reports to her. I wish it would send them daily rather than weekly. This level of accountability might really help me!

I wish I knew how to spark more hot sex in my own marriage. My wife is satisfied with vanilla sex and I feel bored and uninterested. I don't know if it is the porn or my hormones wearing out with age.

I'm also having a really hard time being passionate (kissing for example) with my wife. I bet she longs for it but I feel romantically disconnected. Again, I don't know if this is the result of porn.

I wish I could be free of this.

If you have stumbled upon this blog and have found answers that work for you to be free of porn and the shame that comes with it, please post a comment with your story or suggestions.

Thank you.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Blocking Fetish Sites and porn or at least having some accountability

Welcome to all the new visitors. I know many of you share my struggle.

Things have not changed much since my posts previously. I'm still not smoking and not thinking about personally smoking, it is almost miraculous that the desire is gone!

But I am still visiting fetish pic and clip sites, and this fairly frequently leads to viewing some sort of porn.

I realized that if I REALLY wanted to stop, I could set up some sort of program on my computer that emails a list of links to my wife or a helpful friend. I think if I had some accountability like that, knowing that I would be embarassed if they knew of my sin, that I would have much more motivation to stop.

But I have not set this up and instead continue to do what I want to do, even if it is not pleasing to the Lord and not spiritually healthy.

For the sake of others who have the same struggle, and hopefully for me someday when I decide to change, would a few of you visitors be able to comment with links to programs that do what I've suggested?: email all the links of sites a person visits to an accountability partner? Thanks.

Also post your struggles if you think it would be helpful for others to see.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Porn Addiction and the Smoking Fetish

So I've been looking at less porn. A bit of smoking fetish women but very little in the porno department. Maybe its because I've had this church group meet at my house and I really really want the Lord to show up. I mean, we all sin. But if I could just be cleaner and purer.

It turns out that almost half of christian man are regularly looking at porn. Is that possible?

A Barna Research Group study released in November 2003 found four out of five born-again Christians believe pornography to be morally unacceptable. The Bible likens lust to adultery and fornication, both expressly forbidden. Nevertheless, Mr. Burgin's disaster is far from unique:

• A 2003 survey from Internet Filter Review reported that 47 percent of Christians admit pornography is a major problem in their homes.

• An internet survey conducted by Rick Warren of Saddleback Church in 2002 found 30 percent of 6,000 pastors had viewed internet porn in the last 30 days.

• A Christianity Today Leadership Survey in 2001 reported 37 percent of pastors have viewed internet porn.

• Family Safe Media reports 53 percent of men belonging to the Christian organization Promise Keepers visit porn sites every week.

• One in seven calls to Focus on the Family's Pastoral Care Hotline is related to internet pornography.

• Today's Christian Woman in 2003 found that one in six women, including Christians, struggles with pornography addiction.

No, it does not make me feel better. It makes me feel that a huge chunk of the Christian population is being snared and weakened! Oh have mercy on us Lord!!

Monday, September 12, 2005

A challenge to the smoking fetish

My isp offers free mcafee privacy service software. It is supposed to block adult sites. So I ghosted my computer (so I can recover if mcafee totally hoses my laptop) and installed it.

It seems to work pretty well. However even my email gets blocked for no reason. Pages get randomly blocked, then when I hit the back button they appear.

I thought I'd use this then give the "turn it off" password to my wife and have her change it. But since I can hardly surf at all with it, I'm pretty much giving up on it. Oh well.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Porn and the Smoking Fetish

On the one hand, ever since visiting a really smoky bar a month ago, I have practically not even wanted to smoke one bit. It has been great! I wonder if the Lord has finally given me "victory" over the addiction to cigarettes? That would be great. I always consider myself a smoker in remission though, because I know that if I smoke one more, ever, it will lead to others, and then I'm spending every day feeling guilty and hiding, etc.

On the other hand, I've been going to a free video clip site on the internet and searching for porno ones people have uploaded. Spent a few evenings watching them. I'm happy to report that as of this morning I put the site in my hosts file so it will be blocked, and deleted it from my favorites. Not that this would permanently stop me from looking at porn, but it might help.

You know, I originally stopped smoking in March 2005 because I heard the Lord speak to me about it. He said, "My grace for your smoking is over". I don't recall the exact words, but that is really close. So I stopped. I really want to walk in His will. I felt later what might have been the voice of the Holy Spirit telling me that the reason to stop is that something important is coming in my life. Perhaps it is the homegroup we're starting up with a friend in our home on Thursday nights. It is hard to "minister" to people when you are paranoid about smelling like smoke.

And yet, there is still the porn...the only other real Christian sin in my life. I need His help for that as well. Sorry to get all religious on you, my faithful readers, but this is where I am at today.

Just possibly there are other Christian fetishists who could be helped or encouraged by my ramblings. If anyone knows how to get listed a bit higher on google for "smoking fetist" or would not mind linking to this blog, I'd like to know.

Monday, August 22, 2005

So here I am...

Its evening here in Michigan, and my wife has taken the kids to Kohl's to go clothes shopping. A hunger type feeling hits me, so I jump on my laptop and search for smoking fetish pics. At the same time there is almost a sick feeling in my stomach, that I am going to "do it again". So I searched a bit, but all I saw was porn, and was able to stop right away.

Today I listened to a church sermon on tape about the a fruit of the spirit, "self control". The pastor said that unless you really want to be self controlled, you're not going to succeed. How do I want to? I'm a little worried that the Lord, who really does love me, will decide to take away my little ministry, or cause me to lose my job, if I don't stop doing this.

But...but...smoking is not ruled out in the bible! In many cultures it is just fine to smoke! What is so stinkin' uptight about the USA Church culture?

And this still skirts the fetish/porn issue. Porn is bad, fetish pics lead me to porn. I'm rambling today. But I'm very open to your thoughts, dear reader, and I've got it set so anyone can post a comment (for now). Please do.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

So I know I really should not be looking at smoking fetish pictures, such as the one in my profile photo, but I do it. Often. I don't want to, yet I choose to. Years ago it would actually make me aroused to see photos of pretty women smoking in a sexy way. Now it does not, unless they are performing sex acts at the same time. But still I want to see them. No doubt it helps keep the desire to smoke alive in me by looking at these photos every day or two. So it is bad for me. Plus, when I search the internet for new photos, I end up finding photos of naked women smoking, which leads to women smoking in porno positions, which leads to watching video clips of women performing sexually. Which leads to pain and guilt and swearing that I will not do it anymore! which lasts for a day or two and then I'm looking at smoking fetish photos again.

You can see why I feel addicted: I'm stuck in a rut of doing what I don't want to do. I fight the urge to do it until I say "oh what the heck" and give in. Then I do it and feel awful. I'm stuck. I need help.

I know so many Christians view porn regularly, but that does not mean I feel right about it. It would hurt my wife if she knew (she is very pure). It harms my relationship with the Lord, because I do believe viewing porn is deliberately sinning. And I don't want to support the porno industry, that takes sweet daughters and turns them into harlots. I don't want to view other people's daughters or sisters or moms being used for sex or being paid to give men masturbation fantasies. It is just a sad, sick situation.

I guess as I think about it, I do feel viewing women smoking with clothes on is probably ok, but it leads to porn for me four out of five times. I find this whole thing confusing and I feel trapped in my sin.

So this is day 1 of the blog. Welcome! I woke up after dreaming about smoking again last night. I have not smoked since March 13th, 2005. That is more than 5 months. I think I may be able to stop for good. As long as I never smoke even one more. But I hate that. I want to smoke. It is just not fair. Christians can drink without stigma... why can't we smoke? I mean, I never smoked more than six or eight cigarettes a day, but I had to hide it for all those years!

This blog is about more than my addiction to smoking, it is about my addiction to the smoking fetish too, and how that leads to viewing porno so regularly. Which I hate because I want to be pure. But we'll get to that.

I quit smoking in March after really being sick of the hiding, and the urges, and knowing that if you have to hide something you shouldn't be doing it, and knowing that people could figure it out from my breath even though I chewed gum, and I was ashamed of smoking and of hiding it. And then my 14 year old son found the cigs in my coat pocket. I couldn't lie to him about it, so I told him.

I just quit cold turkey, no patches, no gum. That has worked in the past. I wish I had stopped before he found my cigs!

It took months until I no longer thought about it 20 times a day. Up until a few weeks ago I thought about it a lot still. Then my wife and I went on vacation and ended up eating in a very smoky bar. How can smoking be so great when I do it, but so horrible when I am breathing in the stink of other people chain smoking?! Even though there were attractive women smoking (more on my fetish later), sitting in that smoky place for an hour seems to have driven a lot of the desire from me, which I'm very glad about.

But I definitely still struggle with wanting to smoke, the unfairness of it all, and life goes on.